Has the Church Made Family an Idol?

Investigating A Biblical View of Marriage, Singleness, and Family

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Introduction

One of the inevitable parts of writing about evangelicalism is the tendency to speak in generalities. The stream of Christianity, which is a broad tent through various denominations and movements, is far from unified. When you get into topics like family and singleness, things can get complicated. Nothing you say is ever true for every church or institution. For example, my church is part of the Evangelical Free Church, a broad-based evangelical denomination with many types of churches. Even within this tradition, experiences of church will vary.

The majority of evangelicalism still looks similar to the way church look at the beginning of the twenty-first century. Megachurches still dominate the landscape and program-driven discipleship is the norm in most of these churches. This is not entirely bad, but it is often less thoughtful than it ought to be, especially in the way these churches relate to families and single people. More to the point, in much of American evangelicalism, one word dominates the body of Christ - family.

Both And…

I am not suggesting that family is not an important part of the body of Christ. The story of Scripture is a narrative of family being birthed from one man, Abraham, to include all of those who would believe in the Gospel. Family is a beautiful thing and our earthly ones not only point to the ultimate story of Scripture, but are sources of blessing and sanctification for God’s children. Also, God has commanded the human race to multiply. The problem, as it is, is not family, it is the way evangelicalism has absorbed the norms of culture. In America, this means that marriage and child-rearing has been focused on to the exclusion of another biblical way of life - singleness.

A few weeks ago, I met with a friend who is single and intends to remain single. While I know quite a few people who have chosen this way of life, it always catches me by surprise. It is not that the Bible doesn’t speak about singleness, it certainly does. Jesus himself is single and Paul appears to be a bachelor as well. The reason that I am surprised is because I have been discipled into a culture and an American church that sees family as the only way towards wholeness. While most Christians would be careful not say this, their actions speak louder than their words.

You Must Get Married Now!

When I first became a Christian, the immediate goal of those around me was to find me a wife. At times it seemed as though there was an almost panic that I, as a twenty-seven year old at the time, was single. It is important to note that I wanted to have a family, but the message that was continuously thrown at me was that unless I found someone soon, I was in trouble. At some level, until I was married I would be a second-tier Christian.

The question of how churches relate to singles is a broader one of idolatry. In the book The Divine Magician, Peter Rollins investigates the human ability to make idols out of almost anything. As Rollins points out, humans live with the assumption that certain objects have the power to provide us with the peace and wholeness we all desire. Jesus, however, will not allow this narrative to stand. As Rollins points out, it is telling that Jesus tells his followers that marriage and sex will not be part of the resurrection life to come. In one the most shocking statements of the Gospels, Jesus says that the institution that is most central to the majority of our lives will not be the same in Heaven. This is not because marriage and sex aren’t good, but because Jesus himself will meet all our needs in the life to come. Jesus, as Rollins points out, puts his finger on the root cause of our idolatry, even that of marriage and family.

Family and Idolatry

While Rollins helps put his finger on the human heart as an idolatry factory, perhaps more surprising is the way the Apostle Paul talks about marriage and singleness. In 1 Corinthians 7:6-9, he writes this after talking about sexual relations in marriage:

“Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

Further on, when Paul is writing about marriage in the time of persecution, he says this:

“Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that….. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, his interests are divided.”

In addition to the words from Paul, early church fathers had quite a bit to say about singleness in the early era of the church. John Chrysostom (the Archbishop of Constantinople) weighed in on the issue in the 4th century:

“How is it then (someone says) that many are not able? How is it then that many are not willing? For, if they be willing, all will be able. Therefore also Paul says, “ I would that all men were even as I myself” (1 Cor 7:7), since he knew that all were able to be as himself. For he would not have said this, if it had been impossible. Dost thou wish to become [such]? only lay hold on the beginning.”

The words of Jesus, Paul, and the church fathers paint a different picture than what the American church has offered us. Instead of family being the central point of life, Jesus is the one that fills the center and offers us life in the full. Whether someone is married or single, the issue of Scripture is that there is a focus on Christ and the Kingdom of God. Going a step further, Paul and others throughout church history have even deemed singleness a gift for the ability to focus solely on Christ. While it is not for everyone, it is certainly not a second-tier way of living.

For most of church history, the church has been a safe place for single people. Not only was it a place where they would be accepted, it was a place where they could flourish. This flourishing was the result of how Christians pushed back against the norms of society. While American Christians have long sought to put themselves at the center of the societal power structure, the Kingdom of God operates in a way that is part of culture but ultimately transcends culture. The point of Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians and Jesus’ remark that eternal life will not include marriage and sex goes far beyond a simple promotion of singleness. The message is not as much pro-single as it is anti-idolatry.

The first book I ever read as a Christian was Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller. While I would recommend reading the entire book, there is one line that is particularly important. In explaining how idolatry works, Keller says this: “If you want God's grace, all you need is need, all you need is nothing. But that kind of spiritual humility is hard to muster. We come to God saying, "Look at all I've done," or maybe "Look at all I've suffered." God, however, wants us to look to him - to just wash.” Keller’s point is that the gospel of grace flies in the face of everything we learn this side of Heaven - nothing from culture can be taken for granted. From the time we are little, we are taught that what we do and what we accomplish is what defines us. When we are young, it is about making the baseball team, getting good grades, or being selected for a solo during a recital. As we grow up, however, our worth in the eyes of the world typically narrows down to two categories: our profession and our relationship status. As almost any teenager can attest, the worst thing that can happen in high school is for the opposite sex to have no interest in you.

Family as An Offering

While Jesus has much to say about money and finding our worth in a career, the Bible also wants to protect us against relationship idolatry. As Keller writes, Christians have an innate desire to offer something to God as a justification for our identity. In the American church, nothing is offered on the altar more often and with more gusto than our families. Over and over, we want to present our marriages, our children, and our children’s accomplishments as proof that we are “good enough.” If these relationships and their accomplishments are not enough, there is a steady stream of marriage conferences and parenting seminars that will help us have more sex, raise godly children, and be more impressive as a family. Even worse, when these relationships are not up to standards, we hide the truth from those around us. While biblical marriage programs are not wrong, it seems as though the American church is off-balance in its view of family. I suspect a Gold Calf has made its way in.

For the American church to have a more balanced view of family, some tough questions are in order. A good place to start is this - what does a flourishing Christian look like? While I can’t prove it, I would assume that very few would point to the single life that is entirely devoted to the church and Christ. If my experience is the norm, single people in churches are often the ones receiving sympathy rather than honor. To be fair, I do not think that this is intentional. Instead, I think the church has assumed a picture of the American dream that combines marriage and children to the picture of a well-lived life. While this IS the dream for most people, it is not the dream or the biblical norm for everyone. Rather than a biblical imperative, it is a cultural norm that the church must transcend.

A Balanced Approach

The evangelical luminary John Stott spent all of his ninety plus years as a bachelor. His perspective, however, was balanced. In an interview towards the end of his life, Stott said that “we must never exalt singleness as if it were a higher or holier vocation than marriage.” Stott’s view is biblical. Marriage and singleness are equal in the Kingdom of God depending on the individual saint. For much of church history, the opposite problem of today was rampant. Sex was seen as a necessary evil and singleness was held in regard as the way to a holy life. The Reformation, for all the good it accomplished, led to an over-correction in the view of family that has dominated the Christian mind since. What is needed today, especially in a world where Christian’s struggle with a variety of afflictions that can make marriage difficult, is a healthy and balanced view.

While I will likely continue to be surprised by folks who feel called to singleness, my hope is that the church will disciple me out of this reaction. I hope that I can grow in my ability to see the Kingdom of God as an earthly picture of a divine reality and my imagination can grow to fully recognize the wealth of the fullness available in Christ. For those who want to remain single, I also hope that they will feel equal to the married folks in church. Just as important, I hope that their time and flexibility will be seen as blessings to the church. If that were so, our churches in America would look a little more like the Kingdom of Heaven.